Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Welcom to Kable Kon, this is McBug

Welcome to Kable Kon, this is McBug, how may I help you?
“Yes, I’m having a problem with my cable reception.”
“Oh, sorry to hear that; what kind of problem are you having?”
“You mean you don’t know?”
“Uh, no, I don’t know. I can’t see your tv. In order to assist you I need you to first tell me what the problem is.”
“I thought you people could see into my Kable box.”
“Well, no, we can’t do that.”
“But you can see into my modem.”
“Well, yes, we can do that.”
“Why can you see into my modem but not my Kable box?”
“Er, well, I don’t know. I guess we have a different relationship with your modem than we do with your Kable box. So, could you tell me what problem you are having?”
“Yes, all I see is snow. Green snow.”
“Oh, green snow. OK. You’re probably on the wrong tv input and you more than likely have a video input plugged into an audio jack or an audio input plugged into a video jack or you may have an audio input plugged into a video jack and a video input plugged into an audio jack.”
“What?”
“Oh, don’t worry, green snow is just a simple variation of the old Moscow swirl. It’s Nothing to worry about. You didn’t see any information on the screen about an impending missile launch before the picture went off, did you?”
“Uh, no!”
“I’m sure you didn’t. If you were having a real serious problem the cruise missile would have hit you by now and we wouldn’t be having this conversation. I can fix the problem by adding Bazooka Service for $87.99 per month along with KableKon insurance for $14.95 a month with a one-time installation fee of $99.99. This comes out to – let me use my calculator – mmmmm - $202.93 – throw in another twenty bucks or so for taxes.”
“What! - two hundred twenty two bucks to fix my picture? That’s ridiculous! I’m going to switch to DirectSatelliteTheft.com! Cancel my service immediately!”
“Good luck with that one, sir. They charge $300 just to talk with you about an appointment! I’m not permitted to cancel services. For that you have to speak with our StickItToYa department. They’re closed just now. Their hours are Mon-Wed 6-8:30 AM, closed Thursdays, Fridays 11:30 PM to Midnight, closed Saturdays & Sundays, 6-8 PM every seventh Monday, 10-11:30 AM every fourth Tuesday, 9-11PM every ninth Wednesday, closed every other Friday in years that end in a zero.”
“Chrikey! Just fix the friggin' picture! I’ll pay what it takes! Can you do it now?”
“Certainly, sir, just a moment. OK, I’ve added the services. Is your picture coming in now?”
“Seems to be..just a moment, let me check. Hey, yeah! Seems to be working. Let me try a few more channels…hey, that did it! Looks like it’s ok now.”
“Is there anything else I can help you with, sir?”
“No, I guess that covers it. Hey, wait. The picture just went blank and the One Moment Please sign just came on the screen!”
“Thank you for calling KableKon. We appreciate your business!”
“Wait!”
BEEP! Welcome to KableKon. How may I help you

No comments: